"Rough seas, they carry me, wherever I go..."-Josh Ritter
Not really sure what that means, but listening to the song makes me smile and think and be in a good place. Aren't we all lead around by rough seas every once in a while?
I seem to have been that way lately. I feel I've been pulled around by so many parties. It's a result of added responsibilities...whine whine whine...complain complain complain... I get tired of doing that. So, I made a decision a few days again. The decisions were for myself and myself only. I needed time Thursday to just think. Sit down and think and work out everything going on in my head. It was a rough day at school for me, though I tried not to show it. I had a good run with Jane, the girls stole my daughter and ran with her and picked her flowers and talked to her. It was so awesome. I came home and was immediately shuffled to some place else and I hated it. I needed to just sit and not do something and think. It disappointed me what resulted next, which I won't add here, and I laid on the bed, cried a little and just thought. Gathered myself mentally and cried a little. Tears of frustration, for so many reasons, tears of disappointment for so many reasons again...
I was asked how I felt about the fall on Thursday as well which got me thinking all over again. That question was the "Change of Time" for me. "It's only a change of time." and I was left watching the team Thursday and I slightly stepped back into "coach" mode. I feel so wanted as a coach, needed, and loved as a coach. It's a feeling that makes you so happy and forces a smile and a small fire to light in your heart and mind. Later Thursday I made the decision that, so far to today at least, has left me excited, happy, and just damn good. Watching my girls compete again on Friday night was like throwing kerosene on a fire. The thrill of shouting (though I call it cheering) and smiling, and goofing around and socializing with parents again is such a rush. I stepped back into coach mode again and it was such a joyous night.
I also realized towards the end of the night that.. can I handle this. The questions about fitness, and how they're feeling, and social issues. The stuff I shy away from so much is the stuff I need to stop being a wuss about and face head on. I know what I'm doing. As Jane said, "you know you're a great coach." ....
It's hard for someone like me to hear that. It's stupid, but we all have our own "journey." Our own travels through life and different stops, valleys of sadness and trouble and mountain peaks of joy, happiness and smiles. Mine... wasn't crappy by any means but I always left something out there, if that makes sense. I was never the "Great" one of the group. I wasn't the smartest, or fastest, or most talented... I'm still not. But to hear such great reviews about teaching... which I knew I could be good at. I knew that was something I could be good at. I had amazing teachers and my family is full of them. The experience there, was enough to know what kids needed :o) a smack in head!! I'm kidding.
But with coaching... Seago was great, but not amazing. I was not the best runner and the same speech I've given many times before ensues. So to hear such great things from my girls, and parents, and especially Jane, it is almost surreal. "are you sure you're talking about and mean me?!" Enough of shying away from being good at something. It's a "change of time." Time to do what I need to do to continue to be great. Great as a father and teacher and now a coach. All it takes is time and a belief I AM great. I AM. #nextlevel for #hoffy I just created my own hashtag.
The way this read, as I typed, I've been listening to Josh Ritter. Change Of Time is such a good chill song. It gives you time to think and wonder and just go somewhere in your head. Then "Snow is Gone" comes on and you feel that rush of love and amazing thrill in your head and heart. That's how this typed out to me. so I leave you with this great ending track:
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