I just finished watching Glory Road. I watched a over dramatized movie about one of the greatest upsets in sports history. But it wasn't that that got me to type out my thoughts. It was the coach and what he said to his players to get them to win. guide them to win. it was just magical.
am I capable of that? I got a vision of the state xc meet in my head as I finished watching the movie. we won. we're cheering and jumping and crying and congratulating the other teams... but they're all not congratulating me... am I worth it. do I have waht it takes, or does jane need to take it over? am i going to get credit? do I even want it? it's weird because I do, but at the same time I act "awesome" like i want the credit but i'm also not the type of person that needs the recognition to make me feel better.... at least, for some things. i have just always expected more from myself and when good thins happen I just expect more even still. what more could I have done?
i almost cried at the end of the movie because I don't think I have what it takes. i lose my temper with teenagers... get annoyed when they don't work hard... or appear to not work hard or wuss out. honestly I do. I'm just really gettin frustrated with myself this fall because I'm not what I have been in the past right now. i honestly feel i'm a great teacher and have always prepared well for each day and unit. i just feel completely lost right now... in so many areas of my life. bio and physics I'm in an abyss... even chem isn't what it's been in the past. it shows too, i'm lazier... it's horrible. in XC... just not the same as I usually am. in the past I've felt great motivated all runners... really, I feel I've motivated no one and even when I try, it's just half assed. but then there's moments where I feel great but those are so few...
I guess the feeling I'm expressing is depressed... I'm just down and it's just because i expect so much from myself and I'm not doing it.
do I have waht it takes to coach a state champion team? i have to be honest that i do feel that if it does happen, jane will be given the credit. not that she doesnt deserve it. she so certainly does and i guess thats just me being selfish... but if we do win, who is everyone going to flock to to congratulate... ?
im being an ass and just feel lost. home life is going OK, but i'm so damn busy tryin to keep up with school and also xc... i dont even know what would ease this... just something stopping. I love xc, love it, but i'll be glad in a month when it's done... at least ill have my fmaily time back...
jesus... did I just type all of that on the web? i don't know what i'm asking for, nothing really. i just needed to get my thoughts out of my head. first step in bein successful?
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